Floyd Kelly

Okay, so I still don’t get it. Todd and Laura—I’ve known them for years. It was their wedding day, a beautiful day, the ceremony was perfect. I was happy for them. Everything was going great.

This is where things get fuzzy for me. After the ceremony, Todd and Laura walked through a side room to change. They passed a large table with coffee, which is where I happened to be standing. Now, I know I’m clumsy, so I was being extra careful. I was holding my large bottle of grape juice, about to take a big swig…

But then it happened. I sneezed. A massive, body-rocking sneeze. My arm swang out and I clipped the big urn of coffee. An absolute tidal wave of hot brown liquid just… erupted. It went everywhere, completely drenching my two friends. In my shock, I kind of stumbled backward, and the grape juice bottle just sort of… flew! It was like it had wings! It flew through the air in this perfect, tragic arc and emptied all over Laura’s long, beautiful dress. It looked like she’d been mauled by a giant purple squid.

The words that followed were … well, I felt, a little uncalled for. Todd’s face was a color I’ve only seen in cartoon themes, right before a character goes boinkers. And Laura was just making this high-pitched sound. The main point of their very angry feedback was that I should leave the premises. I just don’t understand the hostility. It was a sneeze. So I left, feeling really confused.

I was walking home, replaying the whole thing in my head, when this shaman on a park bench called out to me. “I am Shaman le Socrates, freshman at Plato Trade College. You look troubled.”

I told him what just happened. He nodded wisely, snorted loudly and then talked me into going back. “You can’t leave it like that,” he said. “You need closure. You have a right to know why you were asked to leave.” He was right. It didn’t make sense. I needed answers.

So, I returned about an hour later. I slipped into the reception unnoticed. Todd and Laura had changed into their elegant wear; she was in her amazing silver dress, and he was in his sharp tuxedo. They were laughing with some people. See? Everything was fine.

I decided to just relax, not cause a scene. But as I was standing near the dessert table, some dude bumped me hard on the shoulder. It sent me stumbling forward, my arms pinwheeling for balance. The only thing my hands found to grab onto was the towering, majestic, five-foot-tall chocolate fountain.

It went over in what felt like slow motion screams and a glorious, symphonic, magnificent wave of molten chocolate erupted from the table, covering the pristine carpet, the cake, and, once again, Todd and Laura. They stood there, frozen, looking like two fancy, very surprised chocolate statues.

Then, they were angrily pointing at me, “You!” Then they started screaming at me to get out. As I limped away for the second time, all I could think was, why? “What did I even do? It wasn’t my fault.”