Floyd Kelly

This morning I rolled my ’69 Mustang into the 7-Eleven lot. Just as I was getting out, an elderly woman exited the store and she was acting all feisty, full of truth, yelling out loud “Don’t be cheesy!”

As I walked toward the store, I see a very tall man in a fur robe standing next to the door. The robe seems 2 sizes too small for him, ripped at the seams. As I passed him, he reeked of Tide. Made my nose itch. I figured he was with the circus. I got my soda, headed back out and bumped his shoulder on the way. “Sheesh,” I muttered.

“Cheese?” he replied instantly, his voice crackly.

We both stopped and looked at each other. I let out a little snort and was about to get in my car.

“You WILL buy me a hot-dog”

He approached my car and stared a bit, he extended his arm, pointing a finger at me. A long, awkward pause settled in. “It is foretold in the sacred texts of the pork trimmings!”

“Excuse me?” I said. He just repeated “You WILL buy me a hot-dog” with more force.

I couldn’t help but giggle. “Lemme guess, this is the part where you try that mind trick? Yoda would be so proud. What’s next, you gonna use your lightsaber? Where is your lightsaber?”

He just stared. “I don’t have a lightsaber. … Too expensive.”

“Oh. Right,” I said. “So, is it more of a scepter thing you do?”

“No.”

We stared at each other for a solid five seconds. “So, the hot dog thing. Is that, like, your only move?”

“Just the hot dog.” He moved his hand back and forth in a slow wave. “You WILL buy me a hot dog.”

I shook my head. Told him, “You know what? I’m in a good mood today.”

I went back inside and told the cashier, “Give me the best one you’ve got. Also, the bag of chips.”

The cashier pointed to the condiments, hot “cheese”, using air quotes. I went over and squirted a perfect, artistic zigzag of mustard and relish on it. But the cheese? The elderly woman. … Meh.

I walked back and handed the beautiful hot-dog and chips to the man. He looked down at it with an expression of pure sadness, his posture slumped, and a tear came to his eye. He was about to cry.

“What?” he asked, his voice and body trembling with extreme anguish. “No cheese?”

I just shook my head. “Sheesh!”