Floyd Kelly

My messy den is my cozy sanctuary. It’s PlayStation on. World off. For the past three months, I have been playing my challenge quest in Treachery Wars. I love the A/C in here, I’ve got the whole setup—my big screen TV taking up half the wall, the surround sound cranked just loud enough so my neighbors don’t hear me, the bass tuned for awesome rumble. A total immersive experience.

The challenge I am playing has been going on for months and every time I get a “Game Over”, I have to restart the game, and unfortunately a person can’t skip the intro. Every single time, the same routine. The screen goes black. A boom of deep thunder shakes my IKEA lamp. Lightning flashes, a tornado of clouds revealing him: Freimos, the big menacing looking god of treachery, looking like he’s about to punch a hole through the universe.

And then comes the speech.

“WHY HAVE YOU PASSED THE GATES OF TEMPOR?” His voice rumbles through my speakers, bold, strong, the kind of voice that could make reading the phone book sound epic. “I WILL CRUSH THE CANDIES! HAIL AND ICE WILL RAIN UPON YOUR DONUT SHOPS—”

Ugh. I’ve heard it so many times I started talking back. I guess over the course of the past month, I find myself getting into little monologues to get through the intro. Just about a half hour ago, I had to hit restart because dangit, the challenge is hard!

Then came the usual thunder, the rumbling, the lightning, the “WHY HAVE YOU PASSED THE GATES OF TEMPOR?”, booming once again and I rolled my eyes.

“I WILL CRUSH THE CANDIES! HAIL AND ICE WILL RAIN UPON YOUR DONUT SHOPS—”

I took a massive gulp of Mountain Dew, let out a wild belch, and said, “Ya know, that’s not really a good way to say hello to people.”

The soundtrack just… stopped, the game stopped, and Freimos‘ voice answered back from my speakers. It was a quiet. Confused. “No?”

“Uhhh…”, It scared the heebie jeebies out of me. I froze. The can of Mountain Dew slipped from my hand and clattered to the floor, fizzing onto my rug. On the screen, Freimos was just looking at the camera. He was as if alive. Breathing. Looking around the camera view with his eyeballs. Waiting. Then looking directly at me. A glitch?, I thought. A weird, once-in-a-lifetime glitch? I hit restart.

The screen went black. The usual thunder, lightning…

“WHY HAVE YOU PASSED THE GATES OF TEMPOR?” he bellowed again. “I WILL CRUSH THE CANDIES! HAIL AND ICE WILL RAIN—”

“Oh, c’mon, enough already!” I yelled.

Freimos responded instantly, his voice sharp. “What?”

I felt a shiver. My hands shaking. I scrambled for the controller, just my shaking fingers fumbling all over the buttons. This was not a glitch. This was—I kind of peed myself. After about ten seconds of just staring at each other, my mouth hanging open, I finally managed to get some words out.

“Is this for real?” I asked out loud, my voice cracklin’, needing a Dew.

Freimos leaned forward slightly. His reply was giggly.

“I really don’t know. I’m just mesmerized by the chocolate doughnut glaze smeared across your chin.”

I could feel the sticky smear on my face. He could see me!? “You can see and talk?”, I frantically wiped my chin on the sleeve of my plaid shirt. I quickly got closer to the TV screen looking right at him.

“Are you, like, an AI or something?” I asked, my heart hammering against my ribs.

“What is this eye you speak of?” he asked.

“Are you like… in my game?”

“I don’t know. But I do know you eat too many donuts.”, he then pushed air into his cheeks to make himself look poofy.

Freimos sighed, “You know, you really need to get out more. You play games too much.” He sounded disappointed. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to perform this scene? Every time I have to speak and perform the same tiring script, my throat gets really sore! It’s a lot of work dude!”

As he said that, the image on the screen changed. The background replaced by what looked like a comfy little cottage kitchen. And there was Freimos, the god of treachery, sipping from a delicate teacup, complete with a delicate tea service and crumpets with his granny.

“I have to drink a lot of tea with lemon just to get through it,” he complained. “Now, perhaps you should go shower, change your clothes, have a salad, get outdoors, get some fresh air and have some fun. Go see the world dude!”

And then my PlayStation went kerplunk. Like, it won’t startup.