Floyd Kelly

LENA: Hi, I need to cancel my “Cats Galore” subscription.

OPERATOR: Of course! And you picked a great day to call!

LENA: I did? Why?

OPERATOR: It’s Saturday! Around here, we call it #Caturday!

LENA: I… yes, I know what #Caturday is. Why is my cancellation subject to a hashtag?

OPERATOR: It means I get to use my favorite script! It’s way more fun than the weekday one. Okay, first things first: to cancel, we just need to go through The Purr-fect Goodbye Plan.

LENA: The what? Look, I just want to stop the calendars.

OPERATOR: And we want that for you, too! Now, the first part of the plan is a fun little icebreaker.

LENA: I don’t want an icebreaker.

OPERATOR: Note taken! On a scale of one to majestic, how would you rate the fluffiness of the tail on ‘Sir Reginald Pounce,’ our cover model for May?

LENA: Dangit! Just let me cancel this.

OPERATOR: Oh dear, you sound stressed. The plan isn’t working. Don’t worry, I can transfer you to my supervisor.

LENA: Yes! Please! Thank you!

OPERATOR: He’s more of a dog person, so he has a different script. Before I send you over, can you confirm the company name for me?

LENA: Yes! It’s ‘Cats Galore!’

OPERATOR: Hmm. That’s not what I have here. My screen says ‘Chads Galore.’

LENA: …What did you say?

OPERATOR: Chads Galore. It’s a support hotline for people annoyed by dudes named Chad. But I can still transfer you! I bet my supervisor has a Chad story or two.