A full week had passed, and Saturday had rolled around once again. Lena sat at her kitchen table, staring at a stack of mail when the sudden, horrifying memory of “exorbitant cancellation fees” hit her like a splash of cold water. Determined to ensure her account was truly closed with a zero balance, she picked up her phone, took a steadying breath, and dialed the switchboard.
TRAINEE #326: Thank you for calling Cats Galore Enterprise Switchboard! My name is Trainee #326. How may I direct your purr-fect call today? Please bear with me, I’m brand new and still in training so things are a little slow on my end! But the good news is, upper management fired a whole bunch of people last week and brought in much smarter people.
LENA: (Nodding to herself) …Wow. Really? That is actually incredible news.
TRAINEE #326: Oh, absolutely! Everything has been fully computerized and upgraded for ease of service. Now, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with, and how can I help you?
LENA: My name is Lena Bumgartner. I’m calling to double-check that my subscription was canceled last week and that there are zero fees on my account.
TRAINEE #326: Got it! Searching the new system now… Ah, yes! Line 12! You want Anita in account management. I will transfer you right over!
LENA: Good! Yeah! Finally! Thank you!
(Fifteen seconds of horrifyingly garbled, low-bitrate hold music)
PRINTING TECH: (Loud industrial printing noises in background) Printing department! We got 10,000 June calendars jammed in Press 4! Gary stop picking your nose. Hello? Who’s this?
LENA: What?! No! Wait—I was looking for Anita in Account Management!
PRINTING TECH: Wrong line, pal! Hold on, sending you back to the switchboard.
(Ten seconds of garbled hold music)
PHOTOGRAPHER: (Rapid camera shutter clicks and loud cat meowing) Photography studio! Sir Reginald, look at the lens! Good kitty. Stop licking the catnip! Hello?
LENA: Wait! Don’t bounce me—put me through to Anita!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Whoops, wrong extension! Bouncing you over now!
(Fifteen seconds of hold music, ending in a sudden loud CLASH of metal buckets and rattling mop handles)
JANITOR: (In a scratchy, elderly voice) Janitor.
LENA: …Janitor?! Are you kidding me?!
JANITOR: Janitor here. Hold on, I’ll transfer ya back.
(Ten seconds of garbled music)
OPERATOR #2: Cats Galore Enterprise Switchboard, how can I direct your call?
LENA: Y’all just transferred me to printing, photography, AND the janitor! Look, my name is Lena Bumgartner, and I just need to confirm my account cancellation with zero fees with Anita!
OPERATOR #2: Oh, my apologies! Just a moment, transferring you directly to Anita right now.
LENA: (Sighs in relief) Thank you.
(A sharp CLICK, followed immediately by ten seconds of soft elevator jazz)
ANITA: Hello, this is Anita!
LENA: Oh! Oh, thank God, finally!
ANITA: Welcome to the Cats Galore Enterprise legal department! I’m Anita, senior legal counsel here, and I am happy to help resolve your account issue today.
LENA: Anita, thank you so much. You have no idea what I’ve been through with this company. I just need to make sure my subscription is officially closed, and that I don’t owe any fees.
ANITA: I completely understand, Lena. Let me pull up your file right now…
(Sound of rapid mouse clicking)
ANITA: …Uh oh. My screen just went frozen solid. (Shouting off-headset) MURFEY! Hey, Murfey! My computer crashed again!
LENA: (Pinching the bridge of her nose) Uh huh … of course it did…
ANITA: Don’t worry, while we wait for Murfey to unfreeze my terminal, I’m looking at your billing address on my queue. Hippysnip Township? Is that a wild place out there?
LENA: It’s… actually very nice here. Or at least it was! But these darn Cats Galore calendars are ruining my life! They arrive by the boxload! My walls are completely covered in calendars! The garage is full of calendars! I have no space left in my own home! The calendars have taken over my entire existence! Please… I am begging you… stop with the calendars!
ANITA: Aww, honey, now take a deep breath. Oh! Good news! Murfey just smacked the back of my monitor and it unglitched!
LENA: (Gasping for breath) It did?! What does it say about my fees?!
ANITA: Fantastic news! The system shows zero cancellation fees on your account!
LENA: (Sobbing with relief) Oh, thank goodness! It’s finally over!
ANITA: Zero cancellation fees! Because according to Section 12-B of our new system, fee waivers apply when customers accept our archival surplus inventory! So, to clear your fee, we shipped you our leftover 2018 through 2025 back-catalog boxes. They should be arriving right about… now!
LENA: …WHAT?!
(A massive delivery truck air-brakes loudly outside Lena’s front window)
ANITA: Enjoy your 400 extra calendars! Oh, and per Section 12-B, your subscription will remain active until further notice. Have a purr-fect Caturday! (CLICK)
View Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5
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